I don't even know where to begin with this post. I have started it many times this month {
well, really since I started the blog} but I always wind up deleting it because I feel so vulnerable putting all of my emotions out there for the world to read.
:: deep breath ::
One year ago this month, I had a miscarriage.
:: deep breath ::
I don't know why it is so hard to admit this sometimes. Even after a year it is still so hard to talk about. I finally decided that I wanted to do a post about my miscarriage because this blog is supposed to be about me {my life, my thoughts, my emotions} and my miscarriage is a
VERY big part of me! It has made me a stronger person, and I truly feel that one day when I am holding my newborn baby I will think to myself "I am a miscarriage survivor!"
Here is my story.
About a month after my husband and I moved to Austin last August, I realized that my period was late. At the time we had both just accepted new jobs and were still in the process of settling in so, we were very busy and I guess it just slipped my mind that it was overdue. We talked about how strange it was for it to be late since I have such a normal cycle, but we didn't think that I was pregnant at all because I was on the pill. {As a side note, I have been on the pill since about a year after my husband and I started dating so, I have been on it consecutively for about 8 years.} We had never really experienced this before since I was so regular so, we decided to give it until Thursday and if it didn't come then I would take a pregnancy test. Within those few days, the symptoms kept piling on.....I had sore breasts, I was nauseous, and I was
extremely tired! By Thursday I still had no signs of my period so, I went and bought a pregnancy test. I waited until my husband got home from work and went into the bathroom. Again, we both thought that it was going to be negative and that I was just stressed or something which was causing it to be late. As soon as I finished {peeing on the stick}, the lines appeared instantly. I just remember sitting in the bathroom shaking not knowing what to think as those 2 pink lines stared back at me. I mean, I have always wanted to be a mother, but we weren't trying....we hadn't started our new insurance yet.....this wasn't what we had planned.
I picked up my pregnancy test and proceeded to exit the bathroom. As soon as my husband looked at me, I just started crying. I was so excited on the inside but scared of what he thought and how we were going to handle this wonderful surprise. I think that through my tears I said "it's positive" and we just stood in the living room hugging. The rest of that night was a blur to me....it was nothing like I ever imagined it to be. I always pictured the day that I found out I was pregnant to be filled with excitement and phone calls to family, but I couldn't lose this feeling of being so nervous and scared.
We decided not to tell our parents until it was confirmed. Being that we had just moved to Austin, I had no doctor so, I immediately began researching doctors and made an appointment. Of course she could not see me for almost a month so, I went to a clinic just to confirm the pregnancy. The results came back positive and, as the doctor put it, "you are definitely pregnant." We were so excited to hear the doctor say that and went out to buy baby books to read about what I should be eating and so on. Our little surprise was starting to feel more real, and we could wait to tell our families. We knew that we would be able to figure out the insurance and new job, as long as we were together....and we couldn't be more excited about our little family.
I didn't want to tell our parents on the phone so, we waited for 2 weeks until we went home. Our parents were beyond excited to hear the news and of course they went out and bought us little goodies! We decided that we only wanted to tell them and our siblings because we wanted to wait until we went to our official doctor's appointment and had an ultrasound. For some reason that scared, nervous feeling that I had when I found out was still lingering in my gut so, I really wanted to see the baby before we told everyone {as it turns out, I am happy we didn't make a big announcement}.
The week of my appointment I started spotting, and of course turned to the internet to research {this is not always a good thing}. I was never spotting bright red...it was more of just a light brown {sorry if this is TMI}. All of the things that I read on the internet said that this was ok....we felt a little relieved but I still had that feeling in my gut. The morning of my appointment my husband and I showed up at the doctor's office eager to see the baby and meet the doctor. They took us right in for an ultrasound, and I immediately knew that something was wrong. The ultrasound tech was so talkative and friendly while she was setting everything up and then as soon as she started I could see the expression change on her face. She told us that she wanted to discuss some things with the doctor so, I could go ahead and get dressed and meet them in the exam room. As I was getting dressed my husband and I did not say a word...I think we both knew that the news was not good. The doctor came in and explained that things weren't looking like you would expect at 9 weeks. She was very honest in that she thought that this was
not going to turn out to be a successful pregnancy...at the time it seemed harsh, but I am very grateful that she did not sugarcoat it and get our hopes up. I did some bloodwork that day and then came back again 2 days later for more. She kept saying that she hoped that the bloodwork would come back great and prove us wrong, but that we really needed to expect the worst. That Thursday seemed like it was lasting forever while waiting to hear the results. I was trying to put on a happy face at my new job, but it was so hard to focus. I got a call that night from my doctor saying that my HCG levels had decreased since Tuesday's bloodwork. She explained what that meant and that she would give me the weekend to think about my options {a D & C or natural miscarriage}. I think that my husband and I just sat on the couch holding hands in silence for the rest of the night.
We both called our parents to briefly tell them the bad news as we were still in shock that what we thought had been confirmed. The next morning I woke up and began naturally miscarrying on my own. Out of this horrible situation, I am so grateful to have been able to miscarry naturally so quickly. I went in for a follow-up the next week and had passed everything on my own.
I will always remember the joy I felt on September 10, 2009 and the pain that followed on October 9th. I lost a piece of myself that day.
What I have learned from my experience is that there is nothing that I could have done differently and that God has a plan for us. It took me a while to realize this and it is not always easy to accept. I am not saying that I don't I still struggle with it...I struggle everyday. My husband and I were brought even closer together through our loss but have handled it very differently. He prefers not to talk about it, and I like to talk about it because I don't want to forget it. We experienced the loss in different ways so, of course we mourn it differently. I experience something physically and emotionally, whereas he was only emotionally vested in it.
I am scared that my experience has taken the joy out of pregnancy. I am not going to want to get excited when I see those pink lines again, but I try to keep telling myself that I cannot do that to my body or my mind. You have to think positive and enjoy the moment even if you have fears in the back of your mind....if I don't do that I know I would regret it.
Though we are not trying to have a baby right now, I know that God will give us one when he thinks that we are ready. We will make great parents one day...I just know it!
I hope that none of you have to go through this, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I any of you can relate to me, I would love to hear how you have overcome your loss.
